Party Invite: Making Connections at a Function
The secret weapon? Olive Garden.
Dear HB,
Now that it’s summer, my predicament feels pressing. Whether I’m at a party or a bar, I find it difficult to start conversations with strangers. Or even approach them for that matter. How do I muster up the confidence to talk to potential friends or even romantic partners?
Signed,
Socially Uncomfortable
Dear Socially Uncomfortable,
It is a universal truth: the line for the women’s bathroom is sacred. It’s a shared experience among strangers who are all beautiful and also need to pee, like really bad. We can take the tools we learn from the bathroom line and translate them into house parties full of Carhartt jackets and bars that are basically parking lots. It’s all practice and believing that you deserve to be there just as much as anybody else. In other words, you have the right to piss and talk.
Think about how those meet-and-greets played out with current friends. Perhaps this is presumptuous, but I’m going to assume a teacher, parent nor mutual friend picked you both up like Barbies and yelled “Friendship!!!” or “Kiss!!!”
Making new connections is similar to giving birth. We tend to look at that magical person right in front of us, rarely recalling the initial pain it took to carry a conversation at first. You’ve done it before and by golly, you’ll do it again.
The reason extroverts are quite talented at this business is through constant practice, which is all you need too. So start in public spaces appropriately with a heaping scoop of safety in mind.
Step One: Begin by looking people in the eye with a side of “Hi.” I’m talking about postal workers, security guards, ragingly attractive baristas a.k.a. small talk professionals, neighbors with cute doggies you pass on the sidewalk–anyone you see on a daily basis. A greeting with eye contact is also a wonderful acknowledgement of individuals who deserve so much more attention anyway.
Step Two: Brave a sentence or two with those you share a public space with. This extends to all those mentioned above as well as strangers in elevators, grocery store aisles and yes, bathroom lines.
Get a lil bit more creative than the usual, “How are you?” To make an impression, you MUST get original with it in a way that feels authentic to you. Dude in an elevator carrying a tennis racket? Ask if he ever listens to the Challengers soundtrack (cheeky). Attempt “That cereal’s really good,” at Albertsons. And never underestimate, “I’ve been looking for red tights like that,” to a particularly stylish lass in line for the bathroom who is about to take a mirror selfie and a poo.
Remember that all interactions are a two-way street. We all have days, so gauge accordingly. If they take a step back or respond with a single syllable, note it and keep walking. Check yourself as well, and be honest: Do you have crazy eyes? People can read desperation a mile away and it can be terribly frightening on the receiving end.
A good example of this phenomenon is someone offering to buy you a drink. Sounds cool in theory. You don’t have to pay during inflation? Heaven. But if they walk up to you in a way that makes you feel hunted like a lil bunny rabbit, you will find yourself not wanting that drink nor any contact for that matter. Now, if someone asked you a few nice, non-intrusive questions, and looked you in the eye for a normal amount of time, you might take that drink.
If you worry that your approach still fosters out-of-character wildness or even shyness in social settings, try following a format.
First Social Interaction Recipe:
1 single nice thought about yourself as you move toward the desired person.
‘I could have been a hand model in a different life,’ works as does ‘I consistently never burn my toast.’
1 genuine, specific compliment thrown their way.
“Nice pants” is out. “All jeans should have pockets like that” is in. We all dress to impress and baby, that’s not frivolous. Outfits, hair, makeup–the whole shabang–are a form of presenting ourselves, so to acknowledge them is a way of saying, “I see you.”
1 single question about how they came to be at the very same place.
This is where a bond often shines through i.e., you’ve both known the birthday boy for a long time or you both like the bar’s special take on the Negroni.
1 question where their answer matters to you. If you’re trying to create a genuine relationship with a person, don’t you want to know if they’re compatible with you? Begin with a statement of why their answer is relevant, so they get to know you. Note: do not ask a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ one. Be the journalist.
“I finally got around to watching Hacks and I feel empty without it. What are you watching right now?”
“I’ve been thinking about 2014 culture a lot recently. How many mustache-related things did you own then?”
“The other night, I went to Olive Garden for the first time in ten years and honestly better than I thought. What’s your favorite chain restaurant?”
The flow may be choppy, but that doesn't mean it’s not going well. Also you don’t know the other person just yet, so it would be weird to assume they aren’t trying their darnedest too.
No one is ever too hot to approach unless it’s Rihanna or Chris Pine. Those who put up ‘too-cool-for-school’ facades also desperately crave human connection. And if they keep up that behavior after you walked over and said, “Hi I’m _____,” they’re either:
a) Not worth your time
b) Socially awkward which can sometimes translate to aloofness
c) A robot with the ‘mute’ button on
None of these options are about you and more often than not, others will be thankful for your forwardness. Humans are utterly terrifying to behold. We invent things like Sour Patch Kids® Light Ice Cream & Sorbet, nuclear war and societal expectations, not to mention we have an enormous capacity for change.
Our friendship, love and compassion can completely alter each other's lives. So perhaps, you should be more concerned about not approaching that particular person at the party. They may go on to be someone who laughs at all your jokes while in line for the bathroom.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Films: Before Sunrise, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Paddington 2 & Something Wild
Songs: ‘Got to Give It Up - Pt. 1’ by Marvin Gaye, ‘Ladies Room’ by Olivia Dean, ‘Take A Chance On Me’ by ABBA, ‘Talk, talk’ by Charli XCX & ‘Voulez-Vous’ by ABBA