Message In a Bottle: What Does It Mean To Have A One That Got Away?
We love a chill question!
Dear HB,
How do you deal with someone being The One That Got Away? I was seeing this guy for a bit, but things never really took off because he had some emotional stuff he needed to work through. It’s been almost a year since we stopped seeing each other, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s always going to be in the back of my mind. Is that just how it is—does everyone have someone they’ll always wonder about?
Is moving on possible?
Big Sigh
Dear Big Sigh,
Speaking of “The One That Got Away” remember when Katy Perry used to make hits? Ugh, take me back. Just like the cotton candy clouds and Snoop Dogg features of yore, this is a lesson in nostalgia–the foundation for all conversations surrounding The One That Got Away.
In small doses, nostalgia is a fantastic tool. It helps us navigate hometown reunions with ease. It allows for approximately 47 rewatches of Love, Actually within a lifetime. It strengthens our bonds with friends, family and the teens crushing on Adam Brody. In limited quantities, nostalgia helps us see how far we’ve come.
However, when we let nostalgia consume us, the “Awww remember when…?” morphs into screaming, “What have I become?!” in the bathroom mirror. The rose-colored lenses of nostalgia blur out last minute cancellations, offhanded comments regarding exes and most importantly: not choosing to pursue your connection further.
That key decision seems to get lost in the “We both love Agnès Varda’s filmography!” and “He’s unlike any other guy I’ve met.” We must remember this is the same nostalgia that tells us things like, ‘Furbies were kinda onto something, no?’ Not necessarily lies, but not whole truths either.
We get to this point for a reason. Nostalgia acts as a numbing agent for all that upsets us in the present-day and onward. It’s possible your bank account gives you dry heaves or the upcoming season of family gatherings keeps you up at night. Comparatively, it’s much more palatable to think about sustained eye contact with someone whose eyelashes should be insured.
Then there’s the chance you deeply relate to Sabrina Carpenter’s song ‘Slim Pickins’...
Considering a fair number of men in history start wars, dismiss therapy altogether and wear those pointless, tiny beanies, I understand one’s concern over the scarcity of good, honest men. Narrowing it down to your own timeline, it’s possible this guy is the only standout. Therefore, it’s perfectly reasonable to wonder if a man you deem ‘respectable' should be allowed to be a part of your life once more.
Ones That Got Away often fall into the category of “Good Person I Hold in High Esteem.” That description can be confusing when you add romance into the mix. It’s much easier to classify an ex as “vile” “THE WORST” and/or “What’s his name again?!”
It’s in our nature to let good people back in. We reunite with long-lost friends. Second helpings of pie will be served with lots of love to the cousin who skipped the last four Thanksgivings. There’s truly no denying good people improve our lives tenfold, but the moment someone whose lips were on your lips has the opportunity to reconnect, we must take pause.
As you play out an elaborately drawn reunion in your head, do recall the laws of time travel. A brief synopsis of sci-fi’s favorite plot point? It doesn't go well. How can you properly write someone into your life who is so firmly cemented in the past? At nearly a year apart, you’ve both done some changin’ which directly impacts the way you mesh with another person.
Besides, I’ve seen the movies (all the Star Trek movies)! You’ve seen the movies (maybe not allll the Star Trek movies)! When does a person from the past ever work in the Future? You don’t actually have the answer, you simply have a vivid, hopeful imagination that’s seen a rom-com or two.
Those feelings you shared with this person though: very real, very gorgeous. Two people caring about each other has that effect. I also think if you looked a bit closer at your memories, you’d see he wasn’t the only positive part of this timeframe.
It could have been a particularly beautiful autumn. Or you wore really cute outfits on your dates and intentionally putting yourself together felt really freakin’ good! Friendships grow stronger as we reenact moments of hand-brushing-against-hand.
We have the tendency to give our past romantic partners all the credit, but most of the time dating feels that glittery because we ourselves make it so. Something to consider as you continue to meet people.
Just like there was someone you gushed over before this guy, there will be another. The chances of you never meeting someone who is also good, relatable and handsome…to quote my 21-year-old sister responding to any text I send, “LMAO.”
I realize your relationship with this man feels unfinished because your brain recognized his potential. Perhaps you imagined him meeting your family’s dog or you meeting his family’s lizard, which you would then have to shake out your head because why would it be a lizard?! Anyway, it’s okay to picture people in a positive light. It’s romantic and it’s a kind way to see the world.
Your shared story didn’t ‘get away’ from you. It sounds like you made an effort–romantics tend to do that and his decision to deviate from your script is not a reflection of you. It just means he’s one of the fellas you encounter before the meet-cute with the dashing male protagonist.
I realize this lack of control is disarming. Without asking, people go in, out and “happy bday” their way back into our lives. BUT–and bless that ‘but’–we can control how people enter and reenter. This is your chance to finetune your expectations. The qualities of this man you hold in high esteem can be ones you require for the next. There will be a next.
Moving on happens when you quite literally move. Try out the karaoke bar. Learn your friend’s legendary focaccia recipe. Make a major career leap through sheer determination and a hint of charm. Moves that happen to broaden your network of sweeties—handsome ones included!
Note that ‘moving on' is not forgetting. ‘Moving on’ is about being removed from a situation’s pain through the miraculous concoction of time, new experiences and putting meaning into your daily life. If it’s any consolation, a whole lot of that is within your control.
Thinking of your past with kindness is truly the greatest gift another person can offer you. That’s not One Who Got Away. That’s not someone who haunts. That’s someone who makes you let out a giggle five years from now and exclaim, “God, he was cute! And so was the guy after him and the guy after him.”
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Films: Casablanca, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Roman Holiday & The Worst Person In The World