Message in a Bottle: The Truth Behind "Right Person, Wrong Time"

Is it just a concept people use to cope with a failed relationship?

Dear HB,

Does the idea of "right person, wrong time" really exist? Or is it just a concept people use to cope with a failed relationship? If the timing wasn’t right, doesn’t that simply mean the person wasn’t right either?

I ask this because I recently ended a relationship with my ex-boyfriend and I’ve been reflecting—not just on our relationship but on all of my past relationships as well. In some ways, I could argue that it was the "wrong time." He was temporarily living in a different country, dealing with a stressful work situation and navigating family tensions. I wanted to lean on him for support during difficult times, but my ex was the opposite—he pushed me away and avoided opening up about his struggles.

Some might say that if those external factors—distance, work stress, and family issues—had been different, our relationship might have worked out. Maybe if we had met a year or two later, things would have ended differently.

What I am asking here is: If a relationship doesn’t work out, does that ultimately mean the person just wasn’t right for you, regardless of timing or circumstances? If someone is truly right for you, don’t external problems become smaller because you have each other to lean on?

From my own experience, when I’ve withdrawn from a partner due to stress, it’s often because I didn’t care enough to put in the effort to maintain the relationship. And I can’t help but feel that’s exactly what my ex did to me.

Signed,

Big Questions

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Dear Big Questions,

Like any good detective, you are looking for clues and remaining open to answers you can’t even fathom yet. Channel Nancy Drew, Scooby Doo and a friend with a crush all you want, but you don’t need a magnifying glass, a Scooby Snack or a strong wifi connection. You need to reread your own words. Specifically those followed by the word want:

“I wanted to lean on him for support during difficult times, but my ex was the opposite…”

Your ex couldn’t give you what you wanted—a desire significant enough for you to type out and send to a girl on the internet. A want that’s perfectly reasonable within the bounds of a loving, supportive relationship. I know wants are often deemed greedy, excessive, or unattainable. While that may be true for commodities (objects, promotions, cute shoes), currency has no place in the emotional realm.

An entirely equal level of support in a relationship is rarely ever possible, but an agreement on where to meet is essential. Your desire to find a halfway point and his choice to redirect created a stalemate, which divides two people just as much as physical distance, career stress, heightened family dynamics and the words, “What’s the big deal with Shrek 2?”

Perhaps it’s a ‘chicken or the egg’ situation; however, if he struggles to open up now, chances are he’d find other emotions to deflect, even if he lived just two exits away. People always find ways of showing themselves regardless of circumstance.

You are demonstrating that very fact right here: analyzing your past and extending grace toward your ex by believing it could have worked out if the stars had aligned. Those are examples of someone who cares a whole lot and wants their significant other to care right back.

I don’t know your ex and it seems his inner world was difficult to access—even for an intimate partner. I can't say he didn’t care enough; perhaps, from his perspective, his effort felt sufficient. However, based on your language and choices, I can infer that he’s someone who doesn’t align with the way you care. Why is the idiom ‘the stars align’ held in higher regard than two people’s personalities aligning? We already exist under the same mass of space.

We’re not giving enough credit to the distinct viewpoints under said space. Looking at the moon, some think “Moon”, others see “Biggg Rock” and a smattering of individuals muse, “What a grand reminder of all the love in the world! After a yearlong hiatus I have finally kissed someone! The universe is gorgeous again! I’m going to annoy my friends about this!”

There are people out there who share your traits and values, who see the same moon and stars the way you see them. The journey of finding these dashing individuals has the means to be journal-entry-worthy—a great gauge on a life well-lived.

Ever been dragged to a party, middle school-era hits blasting, and suddenly you meet someone with brown eyes and think, “Gosh, I gotta go to more parties” ? You’ll experience that again and again—sometimes with people who have blue eyes, maybe green if you’re lucky.