Message in a Bottle: Ghosting Aftermath
No more haunting in 2024.
Dear HB,
We are definitely living in the 21st century. I met a cute guy at a party and was feeling myself and he went home with me. He ended up being really sweet and he made me feel wanted in a way I haven’t been in a while. The guy even made me genuinely laugh. He later expressed an interest in taking me on a proper date and flirted with me over text. We didn’t text for five days, so I sent him a silly meme and then…a week of radio silence. What the heck! How do I not take this personally? Should I have not slept with him and waited for the token ‘third date’? I’m young and I have needs…
Love It Out Here,
Ghosted Girl
Dear Ghosted Girl,
I could offer up a spectrum of scenarios, but they wouldn’t bring much comfort. Everything from, “He’s really busy with work,’” to “A death in the family that many suspect is murder and a famous detective is on the case,” to "He has a long-term girlfriend who is much cooler than him.” These don’t make much of a difference because he is making quite the compelling case for not being in your life: He’s not and he’s not making an effort to enter it.
This situation is not about how you remedy it, such as waiting a fortnight to check-in, but where you go: Away and Forward. It’s not a sprint or even a scamper away, it’s a strut–the thing the Cheetah Girls invented.
You did wonderful work knowing what you wanted, which is why the evening felt so darn lovely. Cute Guy: Wanted. Sexy Time: Wanted. Life is much more breezy when we know what we want, execute accordingly and all is reciprocated. At eight, it’s making the trek to the “rich house” on Halloween for a King-Size Kit Kat. At twenty-eight, it’s finding a nice, kissable person who considers you nice and kissable too.
You noted how lovely it felt to be romantically desired by another person. While the lovers come-and-go in the revolving door that seems to have some technical issues, there are those who want you in an equally significant way: Platonically. And I’m not talking about the charismatic pizza delivery guy with the carefully, curated tattoo sleeve–that’s romantic–no one can tell us otherwise.
These people are reminders of a rather valuable lesson. Amidst the pandamonium, one can still text, “Hey, I’d love to chat but this week is crazy. Can we call next Tuesday at 7:30? I miss you!” The more humanity evolves, the more we find ways to complicate it. Blaming a carrier pigeon on lack of reply would be so much easier. They have lives of their own. They have families. They have wives.
And then there’s the other key player who wants you, though you’re a bit coy about it. You attempt to take care of yourself every day on The Sphere That Invented Barbeque Sauce. You want yourself too.
So, make like a rom-com magazine editor and obsess over your calendar for the next month. A physical one, it can even be a spare piece of paper that you write the dates on and slap on the fridge with a Hello Kitty magnet. Jot down every single event that gets you excited to be alive. So do your research, whip out the good pen–you know the one–and date (it) yourself.
Here’s some hot additions for your month ahead:
Song or album drop of an artist you groove to
Release of a film starring the actress you defend like a daughter
Your favorite bar’s happy hour
Birthday of someone who matters to you
The local Goodwill’s peak day to thrift
Facetime with the cousin who always has a Story
Ice cream night (it’s when you buy ice cream and eat it when it’s dark though not in darkness that might be a little weird and there’s a heightened possibility of spillage)
Once all to look forward to is right there in front of your face, you may just exclaim, “Golly! How would I fit a fella into my schedule anyway?!” One that has poor communication skills, which takes up quite a bit of precious time, I might add.
Take it all one step further and update the pals on your pursuits. Retellings of sexual escapades are only legendary because they involve you. Humans love to have tales, especially juicy ones, but those exist in the realm of your own bubble too. Besides, hyper-fixating on the upcoming Sabrina Carpenter album feels good in a place like this. And that woman has goss and understands what it means to want.
Steeped in heterosexuality, the ‘Third Date Rule’ doesn’t acknowledge the facts of the world.
Women can have strong sex drives.
Men can want more than just sex.
Sex doesn't equate to love.
Sex is normal. If we didn’t do it, we wouldn’t be here to contemplate the politics of it. Hate to break it to you, but your parents had sex as did Donna Summer (obviously), Abraham Lincoln (obviously) and the dude sitting across from you on public transportation (not as obvious but true).
The black-or-white (or rather good or bad) mentality of sex is merely a repercussion of living in the binary. Sex will never be simple, but acknowledging its gray area helps everyone along. The queer community is usually more adept at this and it’s not some huge secret as to why. They merely hold a greater number of open dialogues surrounding sex.
There’s a strong theme in regards to sex and ghosting and it goes a little something like this:
Person 1: “We had sex, they must be in love with me now because of reasons I’m not thinking about that deeply. Might have picked them up from religion or a 90’s sitcom but whatever, that’s scary. Bye!”
Person 2: “We had sex and we had a nice conversation. I would like to get to know them more. Hey, where did they go? They must hate me as I did share parts of myself in that aforementioned conversation.”
Not to be a character in an educational children’s television show staring directly into your soul, but can you spot the difference?
Communication styles and definitions of intimacy distinguish both parties. You need both in alignment to ever make it work. It also proves ghosting in this particular scenario is not personal. And it validates why you feel upset. You associate this guy with excitement in a world that can sometimes feel a bit dull. He made you laugh, that’s a connection too! When someone elicits positive emotions, those with any kind of hope in humanity never stop to think that person will go ahead and do a 180.
You happen to think this way because there are people in your life with follow-through. They exist. There’s your hope and validity.
And if anyone is ever intimidated by your capacity to be charming, kind and horny all at once, I fear a “coward” label coming on.
You have a lot to do (people even) that have nothing to do with this guy.
Get to it.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Films: Bottoms, Easy A, Gone Girl, Poor Things, Priscilla, Shampoo & Yes, God, Yes
Songs: ‘Busy Girl’ by Tove Lo and SG Lewis, ‘Ghost’ by Indigo Girls, ‘Like the Movies’ by Laufey & ‘Pick Up Your Feelings’ by Jazmine Sullivan