Love Letter: The Great Search For A Serious Relationship
We're taking ourselves seriously. Seriously.
Dear HB,
I feel incapable of being in a relationship. I’ve had only one “serious” relationship and it was short-lived, just a few months before we left for college. It’s been almost a decade since then, which is crazy to me. I kind of thought I would have ended up in another relationship by now, but it just hasn’t happened.
I’ve had many situationships over the years, but only a few of those were with people I had real feelings for. Whenever I tried to make those particular ones official, the other person did not want the same thing.
I feel surrounded by people in serious relationships and I want what they have! I have tried to get on the apps and put myself out there, but no luck thus far. I crave love! How do I get it?
Sincerely,
Hot Single in Your Area
Dear Hot Single in Your Area,
Have you ever witnessed a mother frantically sprint the aisles of a store screaming “Aaron!”? It truly encapsulates the search for love. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a partner or a child who just learned how to run–the stress intensifies the longer the hunt goes on. Aaron is elusive yet has the potential to be standing amongst the shoes. A cycle of anxiety and hope.
It’s perhaps safe to assume you ended that particular relationship to fully embrace college. To avoid the pangs of long-distance. To kiss an array of people. To party!!! You put your own experience first. This is not evidence of you throwing away love, it’s you valuing your own plot points. Those who have the capacity to make that kind of decision at the very confusing age of eighteen are more likely to choose themselves again and again.
I’m almost certain you’ve heard a recently-dumped friend lament, “I *sob* lost myself *sob* in my relationship.” This is less likely to happen to you–someone with a sharpened sense of self and a certain set of standards–qualities you’ve been perfecting since you were eighteen-years-old.
A deeper knowledge of who you are and what you deserve is a natural result of spending more time with yourself. It might be loud in that brain of yours, but it’s the voice you know best and the one you’ll know the longest. Singledom—just like the movies (unless it’s one directed by David Lynch)–does make sense in the end. It’s rare to hear a person regret the time they spent alone. That’s usually when writers get their best ideas. When Lady Gaga makes a hell of an album. When moms did the most chaotic things known to man.
Now this may come as a shock, but you don't need a traumatizing tale of a clearly-defined-monogamous ex’s mom seeing your boobs on a family vacation to demonstrate your adeptness at love. Situationships are relationships–some dude sleeping in navy blue, jersey sheets just sat bolt upright from a deep slumber. The label of ‘situationship’ simply exhibits a fear of specific words while still incorporating the classics: companionship, sharing a bed, date night, physical intimacy, etc.
Your situationships are exes too. They taught you quite a bit about matters of the heart. You can relate to Stevie Nicks’s haunting vocals on ‘Silver Springs’ just like any other person nursing the wounds inflicted by a serious ex.
Speaking to the very possible, immensely cruel worry that connection isn’t yours to have, I raise you: Friends entrusting you with their unsavory opinions. Family members calling you on a Tuesday at 3pm to check-in. Coworkers spinning a tale for the boss as you break down in the bathroom. There’s too much evidence pointing to your ability to love and be loved. Case closed.
Dating apps owe us an apology. Their algorithmic process and cheeky advertising ruined dogs, tattoo sleeves and the name ‘Max’ all while conditioning the masses to believe love can be found fast and easy. Any song, book or grandparent will tell you otherwise.
While love cannot be found easily, it can come easily. You already know what you want, who you are and why you’re worthy of it. When the proper love strolls in, the light hitting just so, you’ll be hot & ready like a Little Caesars pizza.
What needs to happen right this second has nothing to do with frequenting the vibey bar every Friday night or swiping left a certain number of times. These are the modern-day equivalents of sitting by the window in your corset, praying a caller will come round to chat. We have evolved. We have brow gel and Squatty Potty for goodness sake.
The quest for love requires some honest work on your part. And it all lies in your answer to the following question: ‘What sounds fun and should I grab a lil snack on the way?’
The passing of time is much kinder when we focus on ourselves. There are Spirit Halloweens to visit. Creative pursuits to rework then rework some more. People to understand on a deeper level. Movies to watch opening weekend.
Love is a phenomenon that famously comes in when we least expect it. "Fireworks,” “You were there all along,” and “This girl almost hit me with her car and she was gorgeous?!” are just a few examples of love doing a whole lot for the ‘Random!’ discourse. In the meantime, you might as well dedicate care and attention to the great love that already exists: the one you share with yourself.
And it turns out, Aaron was sitting on the floor in the shoe section the whole time. The rascal.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Articles: New York Magazine - Ester Calling: ‘How Much Work Should Dating Actually Be?’ &The Atlantic - What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?
Books: Dear Dolly: Collected Wisdom by Dolly Alderton, Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton, Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte & Sex and Rage by Eve Babitz
Films: Bottoms, Bridget Jones’s Diary, French Kiss, Minnie and Moskowitz & Muriel’s Wedding