Love Letter: Post-Situationship Care
We're gonna need more than a face mask.
Dear HB,
I was in a situationship for several months and it ended painfully. We hit it off in an almost magnetic way: A friendship and a romantic connection all at once. It never progressed because he communicated a disinterest in anything serious early on. I repeatedly put myself back in the situation, knowing I wasn’t getting what I needed and wanted, hoping my feelings would pivot to solely platonic ones. Our time together started to dwindle when he texted me that he was seeing someone else. This hurt me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I ended our “friendship” as this makes things much more clear. How do I get over this and in the process not take him moving on with someone else as personal?
Signed,
Post-Traumatic Situationship Disorder
Dear Post-Traumatic Situationship Disorder,
Caring is never passive. It is active. It is energy. When you have a body brimming to the tippy-top with care and someone rejects it outright, a bit of chaos ensues, because that caring energy has to go somewhere. It’s actually a law of the universe: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
So it manifests into social media check-ups, reading a book they quoted, consistently wearing their favorite tank top of yours, perusing old texts. The caring we were so proud of can very quickly look, feel and even evolve into an ugly obsession. Luckily, the law of conservation of energy suggests we can take all the emotional exhaust and convert it.
For a person who sounds a bit like an overachiever–someone who thinks they can pivot romance to friendship with no space in-between–remember that not caring does not signify giving up. Peace does not imply easy nor lazy. It’s actually the most work of all the choices ya got here. Your care is to go toward replacing every thought you have of him with yourself. This includes even the memories.
Perhaps a fond memory of you two plays out like so:
We went on a breakfast date and we laughed so hard that I basically formed six-pack abs. He held my hand across the table and every single anxiety I had was obliterated for at least twenty minutes. The boysenberry jam ruled.
Let yourself have this memory. Any attempt at a ‘brain erasure' is a form of lying to yourself and that’s not very nice!
Now, try to remember the magic you brought to this date. Perhaps you picked the diner. He had never even heard of it and this was yet another reminder of your good taste. There’s also a high probability you prompted the laughter and you’re not afraid to giggle at your own jokes because you’re freakin’ funny. Sure hand-holding is a two-way street, but isn’t your ability to show affection in public a form of confidence? Not everyone can do that, maybe not even him if you weren’t across the table. Anxiety dissipates when you’re solely thinking and feeling the present. It may be difficult to achieve but you do have the means to do this. Oh and the jam ruled before him and it will ‘til the end of time.
If you have the capacity to think kindly of your relationship with this fella then NEWSFLASH! EXTRA! EXTRA! You are the root cause for those positive moments. The relationships we cultivate are a boomerang of ourselves. Optimists discover a plethora of glasses half-full. Romantics foster romance. Guys who convey mixed signals ultimately gain mixed results.
When you recall the bad memories regarding this man, well…you weren’t respecting your own wishes. You let yourself be at the mercy of some dude. Your energy saw disastrous effects too.
Maybe you didn’t write as much as you wanted because you were overanalyzing a remark he made about your impact on his life…yet he kept you at arm’s reach. Or perhaps you didn’t solidify plans with friends in case he texted last minute, which is sort of like jury duty–your time isn’t yours all of a sudden.
This is a solid reminder for straight-A-kids, the ones who think ‘difficult’ equates to ‘worth it.’ That’s not a genuine romance. Sometimes when you get so wrapped up in the work of trying to get someone to feel more strongly toward you, the whole point of dating gets thrown out the window, i.e., finding someone who cares for you just as you are. And amidst the chaos, sometimes we lose sight of the fact that maybe that guy isn’t all that interesting, but his game is.
When past lovers move on speedily to someone else, the brain prompts its big, red button labelled: “Be Mean To Yourself.” When the existence of a person you don’t even know takes away your self-worth, turn to the people you do know.
Make a list of acts he did and did not fulfill within your relationship. Next to each item, write the name of a person in your life who has or has the capacity to deliver–maybe it’s even you! I bet your lovely friends are craving a sleepover. The stars say the neighbor who always grins at you in the hall wants to go to that nearby wine bar too. You can drive to that movie theater and sneak in a sandwich all on your own.
It goes the other way too. If you take even a gander at this other person’s social media, your judgments kick into overdrive and they don’t even know you! Y’all are parallel stories. They are someone you will stare at in the yogurt aisle for too long one day because you think you know them but you can’t for the life of you remember how or why.
The only way you and that other person can compare is through notes about this guy’s faults now that you both know him intimately.
Take a vacation from dating. This is not because every man is trash, although many are in the running for some ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’ action, this one included. Put some effort into you. She was neglected for several months. She deserves to press a mute button. She can go to bed at a time that feels good for her.
Plus, the absence of those who didn't put much energy into you demonstrates how little impact they actually had. That Cher movie is still yours. The way you fold napkins into bows is about you. The care and love you contain is not something you ever give away, because it's constantly replenishing itself. Because you can. Your energy. Yours.
With experiences such as these we don’t get that La La Land head nod of acknowledgement that ‘We did what we could, kid.’ The peace and the acceptance look a little different. We get the “I’m so happy to see more of you,” and the “LOL remember when you liked that guy? What was his name? Anyway, I love you, come over for dinner soon!”
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Books: Ghosts by Dolly Alderton, I’m A Fan by Sheena Patel & Slow Days, Fast Company: The World, The Flesh, and L.A.: Tales by Eve Babitz
Films: Broadcast News, Legally Blonde, Priscilla, Shampoo & Someone Great
Songs: ‘Beautiful People’ by Jessie Ware, ‘girl i’ve always been’ by Olivia Rodrigo, ‘Good Luck, Babe!’ by Chappell Roan, ‘Most Men’ by Amber Mark, ‘Smile’ by Lily Allen, ‘stranger’ by Olivia Rodrigo & ‘Tears Dry - Original Version’ by Amy Winehouse