Love Letter: Letting Someone Take You Seriously
The aftermath of "Will you be my girlfriend?"
Dear HB,
I’ve gone on several dates with a guy and it seems to be going really well because he asked to be exclusive. And now I’ve never been more anxious. I’m so used to ghosting or incompatibility or a dude coming off great then ultimately proving himself as a walking-red-flag. This guy is really nice, funny, cute, showing interest and it’s throwing me off. I guess this says a lot about the men I’ve dated, but I’m also waiting for the other shoe to drop.
How do I let myself actually date someone seriously without feeling so scared?
Jaded 4 Life
Dear Jaded 4 Life,
Much like a particularly notable lead in a jukebox musical, you’ve trudged through the Sams, Bills and Harrys. Each time date-data is collected, you infer, beakers broken, calculations sullied with question marks. You then adapt to the information presented.
Famously though, dating is not an exact science. Less “If…then….” rather “If…oh…what?”
Accepting the unknown may seem like a steep learning curve, but you’re already much more skilled in that department than you realize. We had to start somewhere with friends. Just like the men you date, friends are people who constantly contradict themselves and how they connect to you. Maybe your dear pals are diehard extroverts whereas you need to decompress alone. A best friend can have the exact opposite upbringing, yet you both know how to love each other like you were raised in the same household.
We allow these differences to exist because the love among friends often happens gradually. Pace is not something we’re too concerned about in platonic relationships. With dating, we are hyperaware of every step being taken forward or backward.
This is in part due to all the rules we’ve invented for ourselves based on our scientific research. Examples include:
“He will only take me on a fourth date if I wait for him to text first.”
“She will infer I’m down-to-earth if I wear these pants.”
“You can’t go to Lowe’s together unless you’re married.”
You might argue friendship is more straightforward than romance but that’s our own framing. The end result of a fully-formed friendship is similar to one of an established romantic partnership: lore-sharing sessions, armpit-smell-checks, grocery store trips & love.
So, you found someone who isn’t following your usual dating pattern. He’s making you comfortable, which is uncomfortable for someone used to discomfort. He’s either a spy and/or memorizing Hugh Grant’s mannerisms from Notting Hill, right? Based on his desire for exclusivity, something the others did NOT want, it appears this guy might follow patterns you are unfamiliar with. This is not a Sam, Bill or Harry. And the formulated rom-com tropes won’t help you here.
You are still learning. It can be scary to not have all the information yet and it’s perhaps more terrifying to encounter someone with the ability to prove you wrong, even in a positive way.
Now you’re formulating all the possible outcomes to find a sense of calm. Self-regulations are the brain’s attempt at control.
However, we can’t control the people we care for. Marriage was an attempt at controlling love and it hasn't gone very well. In that regard, you can look at the numbers and data as clear-cut information.
As you stand there frozen, deciding how you can test this guy to see if he’s true (jousting?), please be warned about closing yourself off as a means of protection. While it may seem like a well-devised plan–people can be quite finicky with emotions–it actually stilts your growth.
Intimacy requires bravery and strength. And the hot-ticket way to foster courage and grow stronger is by exercising our emotional muscles. The adage, “It gets easier with age,” only rings true by living, not aging. You have to give it a good, honest go to learn.
It’s quite a strange choice to put faith in another person considering what we get up to: cheating, death, falling out of love–to name a few. But the act of loving is what continues to make sense after all this time (human presence on earth) and questioning the whole affair may do more harm than good.
Love is in our nature. We haven’t evolved out it.
You have the capacity to be in love, it’s just a matter of feeling confident in the process. Or rather realizing it’s not a quick n’ easy Smooch! Hand-holding in a parking lot! Boom! “We’re in love!”
Romance is never boxes checked, pristine, stunning, no notes. People wonder whether it’s right in healthy relationships, too. They catastrophize in long-term commitments. They attempt to flee the altar.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, you will not only live another day in hopes (or fear) of a third National Treasure movie, you will get braver and stronger because you’ve done the research and proven that love can happen to you. It’s not a singularity. The only predictable aspect of love is that it happens.
You aren’t giving away any amount of strength by letting someone in. The word ‘fortitude’ exists for a reason!
It’s truly an honor to witness the life of another person, yours included. Therefore allowing someone to see you cry is a demonstration of confidence. How you feel matters. Telling a partner the names of every single cousin, enemy and stuffed animal is not depleting your worth. Those tidbits are the facts of your life, one that should be known deeply. We’re only hurting ourselves if we hide our hearts and minds away.
The greatest fear we have in regards to love is not actually heartbreak, it’s losing ourselves because we do matter so much. Defining your boundaries, lying down on friends’ living room floors and asking the lucky guy to help you (it’s a partnership for goodness sake!) are just a few ways to take yourself seriously. It seems your new guy is already on track.
You can be scared and do it anyway. That’s the cool part.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Films: 10 Things I Hate About You, L.A. Story, Moonstruck & Notting Hill
Songs: ‘Waterloo’ by Abba & ‘Welcome To My Island’ by Caroline Polachek, Charli xcx and George Daniel