Love Letter: Being Normal About a Crush
It's possible. Pinky promise.
Dear HB,
I know there are a million memes, videos and jokes about this problem, but there’s so much truth to it. It feels impossible to be normal about a crush. I immediately jump to fantasies about who they can become: partner, marriage, someone to raise a kid with...I must slow down! I want to be able to find someone attractive and see how it all plays out without wondering, ‘What are we?’
Signed,
Crushed
Dear Crushed,
At a whopping 430 meanings, the word ‘set’ contains the most definitions in the English language. I would argue the word ‘crush’ could surpass it. We crush on the person scooping popcorn at the movie theater. We crush on Mark Ruffalo because. We crush on someone we’ve gone on four exceptional dates with. We crush on our wife of 39 years.
Now, factor in the amount of crushes we have in a lifetime and good grief! That's too many numbers for a Word Girl. Organization is the antidote here. Next time a crush comes along, categorize them.
Crush Level 1: Clocked on sight as attractive. That’s all the information gathered thus far. Rather considerate of this person to look like that. Notable reminder of ‘fish in sea' cliché.
Crush Level 2: Pleasant words exchanged. Five-minute conversations are not enough to satisfy the craving, but they fuel the group chat discussion PLENTY. You smile at strangers all afternoon.
Crush Level 3: You know their facts and flaws and y’all are kissing on occasion. Not a label in sight, just vibes. The situation makes you anxious and appreciate nature all at once. Therefore, you’re sick to your stomach but you’re happy about it.
Crush Level 5000: You are in love with them and they are in love with you. The ultimate crush is crushing on someone who sees you standing there in your lil loafers and thinks, ‘Absolutely.’ Crushing on someone who reciprocates your affection is the embodiment of self-respect.
Defining the word with more precision allows you to clearly examine your thoughts and feelings on the matter. We tend to forgo control when it comes to crushes i.e., “I can’t stop thinking about them!” “Crushes make me crazy!” “They might text me at the last minute so I’m going to pass on the friend-hang.”
You are a twentysomething who votes, chooses between Cup or Cone and maintains staunch opinions on the men of the Twilight universe. You know your own mind. Just because your crush is wary of slapping a label on your situation, doesn’t mean you must abide by their rules. Clarifying the composition of a crush reclaims your sense of agency.
A handy metaphor for this scenario is a doggy on a leash. A thoughtful, well-tended crush can lead you along, perhaps quicken your pace and give you a bit of oomph as you reach your destination. A neglected crush, one that exists without close examination, can make you go this way, that way, into a hedge, tripping, falling, knees skimmed. Owie.
Take the definitions a step further and intentionally detail who this person is to you now–not who they will be or who they could be. It’s rather kind of you to see their potential, but they are your Crush Level 3, not your current partner. Start your self-Q&A with those below:
How does this person communicate with you?
How do they make time for you?
How do you feel when you haven’t chatted with them in a few days?
This method of grounding doesn’t negate the romanticization of it all. I realize it’s not fun to travel back down to earth. I mean the moon looks insane from up there! And the stars…don’t get me started on the stars!
Fantasization is a major component of crushing. We channel 11-year-olds. We take a good, long look at a person and think, “Yeah, they can take up my Sundays. They can do the waffles and I’ll handle the coffee. They’ll wear my old t-shirt and I’ll don their favorite sweater.” Imaginations shrink the more reality crashes in (growing older). It’s nice to think of a picturesque scene, but you can do so in countless other ways.
We all have that one restaurant. The elusive reservation, the pricey menu, the pasta that makes people consider religion. Think on it. Or the long distance friend, the real ‘One That Got Away’. Let your noggin set your reunion to an ABBA song. Then there’s the foreign city you have yet to visit. Scroll through Pinterest photos of the city’s famed bookshop. Perhaps shed a tear. Or book a ticket. I’m an advice columnist, not a financial planner.
Another word with infinite uses, one closely connected to the subject at hand is love.
We love fig jam. We love secrets. We love to send our moms a photo of an object and text what the object is. We love who we are around our very best friends. If we let the word ‘love’ have all this weight, then shouldn’t we chase that one more purposefully? If we’re honest with ourselves, the sheer joy of crushes exists only in hopes of giving and receiving love.
Crushes are proof we can keep at it. That we can see magic in an individual, only for our friend to exclaim, “Really?! Them?” If we weren’t optimistic and a lil bit horny, it would be a dark world indeed. More guys in the band would be out of the job.
But to take yourself seriously, not frivolously, you do need to accept why you crush and what you want from those you crush on. Picturing a future with another person means you want just that: A long-term relationship that inevitably leads to The Big Party and tinies who walk into your bedroom at 1 a.m. to say, “I threw up.”
A brain that goes zoooommm simply needs more. So seek what and who is good for you. If a certain crush is offering minimal effort, then it’s time to remember what the point is. You want to increase your usage of the word “love”.
I love that for you.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Films: Aquamarine, Notting Hill, Past Lives & The Umbrellas of Cherbourg
Songs: ‘From The Start’ by Laufey, ‘Hello Love’ by Jessie Ware, ‘Lovestained’ by Hope Tala, ‘Worth It’ by RAYE & ‘8:00’ by Madi Sipes & The Painted Blues
always needed to hear this! this letter is about to become my bible