Love Letter: Admitting A Crush
Bring on the gumption.
Dear HB,
Well, it happened. I have a crush on someone. We’ve been hanging out in social settings for a while and more recently we’ve moved up to one-on-one hangs. I’m really unsure how they feel. They at least show an interest in spending time with me, but it could be entirely platonic. I’ve never been the type of person to make the first move, but this person is a little shy and I’m getting impatient. What’s the best way to confess crush feelings?
Signed,
Butterflies In My Tummy
Dear Butterflies in my Tummy,
The best part about watching a rom-com is not experiencing the rom-com. During the meet-cute you recognize the knowing looks from both parties. Then of course there’s the movie logic of: ‘Well they’re both hot so they’ll obviously fall in love with each other.’ Observing the early stages of a romance is less heart-pumping-outta-the-chest for you, specifically. In the real-world, there's no music swelling to indicate deeper feelings. It’s dead silent. Cool. Easy.
Let’s first figure out what you want. You’d prefer them to like you back? Great! But in fairness to all parties involved, you must aim a telescope at your vast desires, you star, you.
Exclusivity in mind? Valid. An interest in casual for the time being as you navigate the ups-and-downs of your own life? Equally valid. Would love to have the honor of seeing them naked? Humanly valid. It’s important to know yourself–your needs and wishes galore–before bringing another person into the picture.
This is not necessarily information to be shared immediately upon the crush admission. And I’m not suggesting to divulge the bed frame you envision for y’all’s future apartment. That’s between you and Pinterest. Let your crush respond first and their answer can dictate the next steps.
The words out of their mouth may be:
“Wow girl, same!!!!”
or
“I find you really attractive and would like to keep hanging out, but I don’t want anything more.”
or
“Please stop practicing on me. You’re my sibling and I love you but I have to go to bed. Buck-up and say you like-like them or I will.”
Their answer can be elusive to you, but what you do with it doesn't have to be. No matter the “we” in the scenario there is a “them” and a “you”. Make calls on sure things: What You Want.
Now if they ask, you do have the responsibility to tell them where you’d like to see this go. Admitting a crush is an act of bravery, so don’t skimp in the name of, “I’ve done enough for one day.” Keep at it.
Just like a tennis match,
the ball falls in their court to respond
then back to you
then back to them
and so on.
There’s a reason why long-term couples who communicate effectively say it’s “hard”. This isn’t the golden age of staring at them from across the field while their friends and your friends go back and forth with questions and answers. In the spirit of vulnerability, a thought that may be defined as a “wonder” should be addressed. No more Telephone Games. Ask and tell.
Now to the mushy-gushy, the actual disclosure…Your approach, just like a rom-com set, can be controlled.
INT or EXT? DAY or NIGHT?
Tell them how you feel in a familiar setting. This is to the benefit of both of you. If y’all frequent a specific park in the early evening, there’s your mark! If your love for a certain coffee shop played a part in your bond, well then Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan and I would collectively advise you divulge there during the cafe’s calmest hour.
It’s key for this to happen in a third space and not one of your homes. If your crush doesn’t reciprocate, then no one has to awkwardly depart the other’s place. There’s real power in leaving a conversation with a location–quite the metaphor. Don’t rob each other of that.
Now to the script. You will be nervous but that’s because you care about the outcome. Ground yourself with the knowledge that caring takes you places, indifference keeps you stagnant.
Be clear. Pose a consent-driven question. Look at their dreamy eyes.
YOU: “I’ve been wanting to tell you that after getting to know you, I would like to pursue something more romantic. Would you want that too?”
ALSO COULD BE YOU: “I would like to be more than friends. Would you be interested in that?”
OKAY MAYBE THIS ONE IS SUPER-YOU: “I have a crush on you. Would you like to kiss sometime? “
Straightforward declarations allow for straightforward discussions. Asking how they feel about this new information is comforting and emphasizes their role in the conversation.
And sometimes when we let our hearts do the talking, we get a lil shy and look away. Making a normal amount of eye contact shows them, ‘Hey this is important to me!’ Also we only get so many romantic gesture opportunities in life, you’ll want to remember what it looks like no matter the outcome.
Before you embark, do a bit of prep. Clean your tub and make your bed, so you can take a relaxing bath and have a good lie down later to decompress. And maybe, just maybe this person will be there too. Both are sexy.
Let your friends know ahead of time so they can check-in. There’s no shame in this conversation going poorly and it’ll sting even more so without supportive words such as, “On to the next! Let’s go buy a cake from the grocery store and watch Twilight.” Now if this goes gorgeously…well isn’t recounting a romance-win to your friends one of the great pleasures of life?
In the romantic comedy genre, there’s usually quite a bit of huffing and puffing involved. Someone running to confess deeper emotions. It’s sooooo dramatic but it’s also the most realistic part of those movies. Crushing is so dramatic. It bubbles because the only other person who should know about it, doesn’t.
Admitting a crush is a way of honoring yourself and we are practically bursting when we are not being authentic to ourselves. We get tummy aches in jobs we dislike. Our brains move a mile a minute during fights with friends. Heck, we feel a bit woozy when we try out a bad spinoff of a television show we loved. Telling this person how you feel is enormously worthwhile. We tend to remember when people are brave and respectful. Be that for this person, that person and again and again and again. Crushes are for people who believe in people.
Gumption is sparse these days but not in the world of romantic comedies. Thank you for giving the world a bit of cinematic flair.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Films: (it’s a lot of rom-coms duh!): 10 Things I Hate About You, About Time, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Fire Island, Imagine Me & You, Little Women, Notting Hill & When Harry Met Sally
Songs: ‘After Last Night’ by Carly Rae Jepsen, ‘Clumsy’ by Fergie, ‘Crush On You’ by Lil’ Kim, ‘HOT TO GO!’ by Chappell Roan, ‘I Wanna Be Your Lover’ by Prince, ‘Push The Button’ by Sugababes, ‘Sexy to Someone’ by Clairo, ‘Sittin’ Up In My Room’ by Brandy & ‘Summerboy’ by Lady Gaga