Greeting Card: Making Friends After Losing Friends
It's hard and awkward sometimes but the payoff is the magic beans.
Dear HB,
I’ve been really struggling on the friendship front as I want to let people in, but I’ve been so hurt in the past. I realize trust is the first step, but I’m not sure how to start building myself up for that. How can I let new people in and not push them away for fear of being hurt?
Sincerely,
The People Pleaser’s Princess
Hi People Pleaser’s Princess!
Okay someone loves alliteration, honestly we should be friends. You sound like a catch based on this fact alone!
I think it’s important to note that trust is not about the past; it's about what's coming. Trust does not equate to blind faith, because it’s rooted in reliability. With new people i.e., potential friends, we don’t trust them yet and that’s okay! We don’t even know them! We like them and that’s enough at first. In those beginning stages, we trust ourselves. We trust that our judgments are solid because of everything we’ve learned so far.
What you’ve experienced with past friends is the absolute worst. At some point in all of our lives, a friendship turns sour and it’s so so so painful. Sometimes I worry there aren’t enough resources and important life lessons imparted on us in our early years regarding friendship breakups. We endlessly cover romantic breakups. There’s plenty of movies and television that focus on family estrangement. But the wreckage of a broken friendship–how obliterating and shocking. Y’all were supposed to hang out and get coffee 4ever!
Some dude can say to you, “You’re hot but I need to focus on my career or else my parents will stop paying for my Squarespace account,” and a friend is there with a three-minute audio message consoling you. An aunt can make an extremely homophobic joke and a friend can remind you that you’re more than who you’re related to. Friends are supposed to be there at the end of it all, so any deviation can really rock the system.
Major props to you for wanting to let others in again; it’s the first step. Now it’s time to do the thing and trust yourself. Believe that you have the ability to surround yourself with good, funny, passionate people. This takes major brain power on your part. Trusting oneself is famously difficult. Not to be a writer who loves therapy, but I tend to journal to formally map out my thoughts. It helps us look closely and ask ourselves honest questions.
Do you have patterns? What was it about those hurtful people that you liked/disliked before The Great Wreckage? Hindsight can be 20/20 but not always. I am very guilty of saying, “THERE WERE SO MANY RED FLAGS” when in reality I didn’t know what was a green, pink, burgundy nor red flag at the time. Give yourself grace when looking back at the qualities of ex-friends. You know now, that’s what matters.
You can have types when it comes to friends just like romantic partners. Many of us have been attracted to our opposites when it comes to outlook on life. Sometimes those with positive dispositions are drawn to more negative, nihilist types. And sometimes those friendships don’t end well.
Once you set your sights on someone, do a lil backflip in the face of any overthinking that may take place. Reflect on who you currently trust right now. I’m sure there’s at least one person in this world you can comfortably rely on. Unless of course, you’re one of those reclusive old men in a sweater. They do always look so cozy, I’ll give them that.
Examine that relationship. Do you trust this person because they’re consistent? No human is, that’s not really our thing, so I would look a bit more closely. I’m sure you’ll find instances where trusting them took some freaking work due to a slip-up on their part. But why did your faith ultimately never falter? Here’s proof that you can find these types of connections again & again & again.
Court these potential pals. The early stages of adult friendships are less defined without the backdrop of school. We already have more of a language when it comes to dating, so make it easy on yourself by following a similar format. Ask the cool coworker to meet up at the cafe you feel safest in. Come with silly questions and talk about yourself with enthusiasm. They’ll notice this effort. When people notice you they have the potential to see you.
It’s quite possible you’ll leave with butterflies in your stomach because you have someone you want to share good and bad news with and you don’t have to worry if they kiss with their chompers.
As your new relationships grow, remember that any memory of what those past friends did to you can be combated with this fact: We are always changing and adapting. To say you are the same person you were even two months ago is incorrect. You could have eaten food that you didn’t know made your stomach hurt until now. You took a new outfit for a spin. Your mom uttered a haunting sentence that tells you a bit more about her lore. You have new stories to share with friends. You have different stances on the world. New friends will start where you’re at and you all will move forward together.
I’m really excited for you.
Much love and a little kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Books: Happy Hour by Marlowe Granados, Fiona and Jane by Jean Chen Ho & Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton
Films: Jennifer’s Body, My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Big Chill & Muriel’s Wedding