First Timies: Living Alone
Okay but in this economy?! If you can: huge, major, showstopping.
Dear HB,
Any advice on living alone for the first time?
Signed,
Miss Independent Hopefully
Dear Miss Independent Hopefully,
Living alone is perhaps the best and worst way to learn how much you like yourself. No matter where you’re at though, it’s quite possible to only go up from here.
I myself have lived alone for a little over two years. I’m still a bit of a baby horse wobbling through it, but I can tell you what I’ve found helpful.
While maybe you don’t have to stress about doing dishes right away, you do have to put work into living alone. You have to make the effort for your own sake. This can be hard especially if you identify as a people-pleaser and/or an eldest child–I’m both! For some of us, self-care doesn't come naturally. That’s why I suggest writing it down. Invest in physical forms of reminders: to-do lists, calendars, diaries, the whole shabang. These will also come in handy for all the outsourcing you’re about to do.
It’s time to be more like Carrie Fisher’s character ‘Marie' in the film When Harry Met Sally. Her first scene shows she has a Rolodex of single men at the ready. Babe, it’s called being proactive! Note who in your life is specifically skilled in certain areas. Maybe throw it in your Rolodex! Kind of ‘90s chic of you to be honest. Okay now it’s time to rank the group based on what they offer you. It’s sort of “Avengers Assemble” vibes. Who’s the random with a ladder? Or who’s so tall they have to duck a bit to enter a room? Are they seeing anybody right now?
Refine your emergency contacts list. Just like each person has “a particular set of skills,” different people can reach you at different moments. It’s time to buck up and talk to your neighbors. Trust your gut if an initial interaction is creepy. Move on and find at least one you can call an ally. This will come in handy if you need tips on dealing with a building manager or if there’s an emergency.
One time there was a centipede in my bathroom and I refused to deal with it on my own. Remember: draw your own line! I texted my neighbor for assistance. He was out, so I did the normal thing and replied, “Can you drive really fast back home to take care of my bug problem.” He came in, Raid in hand within twenty. There’s a reason the adjective ‘neighborly’ exists. When you can, return the favor.
You are independent but you don’t have to prove that so intensely all the time. You live alone in the sense that there’s a toilet out there where you feel safest to poop, but you don’t live alone on this planet. Ask for help.
Remember your choices. You are desiring this option because you’re curious. What happens when you aren’t confronted with conversation the moment you wake up? Commit to the wonder. And actually do the cliches: dance around to ‘Yeah’ by Usher feat. Lil Jon and Ludacris, put that Twilight poster up in the kitchen, have sex on that ottoman. It’s the little sprinkle on top of life, so make a list.
Accept that some choices can be made later. Last summer, my air conditioning unit decided to quit. I totally understood where it was coming from, but 97 degrees?! No. Despite this, I couldn't imagine looking into it after a long day at work. The following morning, I very sweatily Googled how to fix my particular model. Turns out, it was easy. Isn’t that nuts!?! That’s a lil something I can do now and did so by learning the skill in the right headspace.
Embrace the choice to be alone. Put the calendar to work for scheduling your own time. I think it’s crucial to plan at least two days a month that are about you and only involve you. Pick the days to the best of your ability ahead of time and mark em down. I find that intention is the Rock and loneliness is the Scissors if this was a ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ situation.
This is not so much a warning as a fact you better just accept now–you will do a lot more first person narration. Sometimes you delve into third person. On occasion the first person comes out loud and it can be hard to turn off even outside for others to hear. Isn’t that fun?!
Learn how to get out of the voice too. Sometimes the solution is quite simply typing an advice column on your laptop in a Barnes & Noble. You don’t have to speak to a soul, but you do get to be in their company. And once again the magic of choice! The moment one of them walks over to you with a glint in his eye that says, “I’ve been single for seven years and there’s a reason for that,”’ you get to go back to your couch and finish up that paragraph in your underwear. That man is nowhere to be found. Pure bliss, baby!
You can learn some of the most gorgeous lessons. My first year of living alone I had a long-term boyfriend. It was my time alone in my apartment that I realized I liked my own company more than his. I would rather storm the sometimes more difficult path of being a single woman in my twenties. That was a choice I made and I don’t know if I would have come to this conclusion so quickly had I not lived alone. I found HB’s pretty cool once you get to know her. You’ll find the same for yourself.
Much love and a lil kiss!
HB
Recommending:
Books: Anything written by Dolly Alderton & Eve Babitz
Television: Sex And The City & Insecure
Songs: ‘Young Hearts Run Free’ by Candi Staton & ‘Miss Independent’ by Destiny’s Child
Films: All by Myself: The Eartha Kitt Story